Parenting: A New Perspective
After attending the
first session on a very reputed parenting workshop organized by Happy Family Foundation
(Jitubhai Shah) in Surat today, my mind is buzzing with thoughts and
questions.
The workshop conveners
by their own admission have drawn heavily from various books a prominent one
being - 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by Faber
and Mazlish.
A popular book that is
a free read on the Kindle that I received, it falls in the category of self
help books that many of us detest and look upon with such scorn. In fact, the
book is a fabulous read but not, as one might think, a substitute for this
stimulating parenting workshop. The fallacy is that we CAN teach ourselves to
be better - It doesn't take a parenting course or 21 odd hours spent at a
goddamn workshop!
Ah! How we fool
ourselves!
As any avid reader
will testify, reading a book does not automatically change our personality; it does
not erase the notions of parenting handed down to us by generations. But a
structured intensive workshop that forces one to practice specified skills and
share peer feedback, appears to be a more effective tool for change.
The singular
achievement of this workshop is the degree of self awareness that the very
first session has brought about. As old participants have testified and I have
witnessed in a close friend, the workshop effectively brings about a
perceptible and sustained change in the attitude of the parent.
The crux of the matter
appears to be this - in our communication with our children we are scarcely
able to keep aside our own emotions and insecurities. Every conversation with
the child is fraught with the anxiety that we haven’t tried hard enough to
convince them, that they will fall behind their peers or that they will inherit
our worst failings! Through our topsy-turvy way of looking at the world, we try
to fit them into the cubby-holes of 'an ideal child'!
So an 'ideal child'
must excel in academics, sports and music…never mind if he helped out with the
dishes with his mom!
We are so lost in the
daily trials and tribulations of our lives that forcing the child to clean his
room takes priority over lending him an ear. My frustration at picking up after
them gets voiced in unbelievably uncouth words and gestures. I can give perfect
answers to all the questions listed in the workshop parenting questionnaire yet
will fail in implementing most of the listed skills.
Couple all that with
the fact that women today feel the need to establish their identity as well,
much before the birds have flown from the nest and you have a perfect recipe
for a high pressure cauldron - boiling and simmering!
In short there are no
easy answers. We don’t know who cleaned up ultimately and we don’t know (and
don’t care!) whether the child eventually returned to his cricket coaching
classes. Perhaps there is a greater ideal than getting stuck in these trifles -
to establish a loving and nurturing relationship between the child and the
parent. And this is the objective that the convener explicitly lays down in the
first session of the workshop. That objective supersedes all other
ambitions that we may dream for the child. Amen.